i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
