I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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