god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
