My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
