did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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