I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
