I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
