I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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