i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
