i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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