Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
