what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
