Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
