dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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