And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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