i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
