she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
