Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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