I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
