like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
