I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
