There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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