He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
