did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I didn't notice because vodka
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
