Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
