the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
