dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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