I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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