Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
