Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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