life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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