Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
