thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
