Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
