My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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