He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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