If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
