i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
