i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
