We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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