Swine flu. Run for my life!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
