turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
