At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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