so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
