I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
