I am puke
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
