flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
