Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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