how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
