Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
