Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
