Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You can't special order awesome
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
